Conversationally Speaking packs a lot of useful information in a small package. Garner provides guidance on improving your personal and social effectiveness, using example conversations from seminars and his own personal mistakes out in the field to help make his points.
Having a good conversation starts with engaging the other person
Garner’s first step focuses on getting the other person to let you in, and how you need to show interest in him or her. Don’t ask questions that have “yes” or “no” answers. Start questions with “Why” or “How”.
Another way to gain acceptance is delivering positives. Compliments serve as conversation starters and allow the other person to accept you. Gartner says a compliment can be paired with a question: “I like those running shoes. How are they working for you?”
Next Garner describes active-listening, in which you will paraphrase what the other person has said, trying to catch their sentiment. He also points out that a conversation can move forward easily if you make sure to listen for the free information the other person is adding when they answer your questions.
After questioning and listening, don’t forget self-disclosure
Garner moves on to YOU and how you can share yourself to maintain symmetry. First, he recommends using word pictures, instead of giving an itinerary or bullet point summary (Instead of, “I was afraid,” say, “My palms got sweaty”) and go into a little detail. He also recommends being honest: It’s unfortunate if they don’t like your interests, but it is better you find people you have something in common with.
Fear of conversation
Garner devotes a chapter to conversation anxiety with strangers. He points out a truth that serves us not only in having conversations, but all of life: Everyone is not going to like you, because no one gets unanimous approval.
He identifies ``catastrophizing`` as the major reason for fear. He also says that setting rules about conversations or accepting invitations builds a wall between you and others. If you’re looking for the perfect situation, your rules will prevent failure because you will never try. Life isn’t perfect, something is always wrong.
Clear communication is important when confronting others
Garner also gives advice on someone who confronts you with a need. He recommends acknowledging the other’s opinion and self-disclosing your opinion. And when you have the need to change someone else, you must first acknowledge that you have the problem and the other person does not. And then you can tell them, “When you do , it causes , and I feel .” After this, you must be silent to allow the other person to think about what you said.
Garner ends with body language advice, which will convey your comfort and openness with another person. He recommends six methods, remembered by the acronym SOFTEN. Smile, Open posture (arms uncrossed), Forward lean, Touch, Eye contact, and Nodding.
“Almost everyone in modern society is troubled by the lack of personal contact.” (Conversationally Speaking)
Garner’s book involves observations about human social behavior, and provides simple advice based on these observations:
“If you can make an honest attempt to establish contact on a personal one-to-one basis, to really touch the other person, your efforts are very likely to be welcomed.”
Garner gives you the tools to accomplish this.
Source:
- Conversationally Speaking. Alan Garner. McGraw-Hill. 1997
Ara Bedrossian - He has a Masters in Public Health from the UT College of Medicine and has been contracted by the state of Ohio to improve public health ...
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